Maddening phone tree systems

You've navigated through them. We all have. You call a large mega-company, and you press one for English. That's the cliché, but it never stops there. And by the time you get what you want done, you're at least a little irritated.

I've been doing the finances for GA's parents, because they're no longer able. I pay bills for them, take care of address changes, and help them call companies who need to be called. I'm kind of a problem solver for them. Recently, my father-in-law lost his health insurance card sometime during one of our trips to get medical visits done. It's not a terrible problem, because we can always use a recent statement from them to get the numbers required. But he needs something to carry in his wallet, and an 8 x 11 monthly statement isn't the best thing to carry in your wallet.

So I called the insurance company, and began my journey through the labyrinth of their phone tree.

Press "1" for English.

OK.

Do you have a current policy with Mega-Giant Health Insurance Corporation?

Yes.

Please enter the contract number.

I did so.

If you are inquiring about an existing claim, or a potential claim, or a denied claim, press "1".
If you are inquiring about a....  

...and on and on, but of course without any option for a live person. Eventually, at about number four, one of the offers had to do with requesting a form. "Aha! I thought. An insurance card might be considered a form. I'll go there." I pressed four.


If you are requesting a form ***, press "1" - if you are requesting a form ***, press "2" - if you are... and so on. None of the options was an insurance card, but one of the options was a blank space for about a second. Should I go for that one? I decided to chance it.

If you are requesting... and they named yet another form and another blank space. So I took a chance. I said to the phone computer, in a clear, firm voice, "I need a replacement insurance card."

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that, said the polite computer voice.

I said it again. "I need a replacement insurance card."

I'm sorry, I didn't understand that, said the polite computer voice again, with the same tone.

I said, with absolutely no irritation in my voice, "That's because you're an idiot."

And it said, "Would you like to speak to a customer service representative?"

I should have guessed that they would have the program listen for the word "idiot" as a clue to the customer losing his patience. Duly noted. I'll bet this works everywhere.