COUSIN JULIE'S NOSE
a short story
©2013 William H. Payne
You guys remember cousin Julie, right? She's awesome cute, and she has all her teeth.
she called the other night, really late, and said she needed help, and
to come over quick. Well I ain't about to ignore a distress call from
either family or cute girls, and Julie is both, so I got in my pick up
and went over.
"What's the matter?" I asked, and she
pointed to her nose. I walked over closer to get a better look, and sure
enough, her nose was swollen and red. "What does that look like?" she
asked, and pointed to the reddest nostril of the two.
I said, "it's either the biggest booger I've ever seen in my life, or
it's a space alien took up residence in your nose." She looked scared.
"What should I do?" she asked.
think we ought to call cousin Cletus," I said. "He'll know what to do
if anybody will." I got my cell out of my pocket and sent Cletus a text.
Cletus was over in a couple of minutes, probably for the same reasons I was.
some of you may not know about Cletus. See, those of us in the Tater
family (the Arkansas Taters, not the snotty Texas Taters) don't always do
too well in school, for whatever reason. Most of us drop out in the
third or fourth grade to, you know, support our wives and kids and such,
but Cletus - Cletus, he dropped out of medical school, so you know we're proud of that
boy. He rushed into the room, and took a look at Julie's nose. He
turned his head this way and that, and turned her head this way and that, and considered, and thought, and then
he said, "I'd say it's either the biggest booger I've ever seen in my
life, or it's a space alien took up residence in your nose." I felt good
to have my diagnosis confirmed by an expert.
he said to me, "I want you to go out to your tool box and get me some
needle nose pliers." I went right out and opened the passenger side
where I keep my tool box, and then I saw the bottle of Old Nuclear™ I
had stashed behind it. It occurred to me that Julie might need a
sedative, so I got it, too, and hurried back inside.
agreed that it was a good idea for Julie to pull a couple of good draws
out of that bottle before we commenced, and so she did. They were good
draws, too. Drained about a third of the bottle. Julie Tater can put that
stuff away, see.
We gave her a minute or two for her
eyes to glaze over, and Cletus went to work on her. We both figured it
was probably a giant booger, but just in case, he poised the needle nose
for a quick grab, since either way, it would need to come out in a
He took a deep breath to steady
himself, and Wham! He grabbed that thing firmly, and started pulling,
and out it came! And here is the part you're going to argue with me
about. It started screaming and snapping its little teeth! I swear to
you, it was struggling, and it was all Cletus could do to hold on tight
to the pliers. "Get me something to put this thing in, Bubba!" he
shouted, and all I could find was the partially consumed bottle of Old
Nuclear™ with the screw cap off. I held it out to him, and he crammed it
into the bottle, and I screwed that cap on as tight as I could. That
little rascal thrashed and hurled itself into the walls of the bottle,
and then settled down to doing a nice little backstroke, and then its
little eyes crossed, and it smiled - it smiled, I tell you!
Cletus and I looked at each other, and we looked at the bottle, and we looked at Julie, and we looked at each other again.
"Bubba?" he said.
"I guess you know, we have to report this to the proper authorities."
"Yessir, we surely do."
we went into the kitchen to try to look up the phone number of the
National Enquirer editorial offices, and we didn't have much luck. So I
figured maybe we should call 911 instead, and we went back into the
living room where we left Julie.
And our hearts nearly stopped, because Julie was awake, and she was holding the bottle, and it was empty, completely empty.
And that's why I wrote you this letter, Ray. That bottle of Old Nuclear™ was gonna be your birthday present, and I'm sorry, I really am.
Welch July 2016 Newsletter - Welches Grapevine for the glory of God Greetings dearest loved ones, We are extremely encouraged to be sharing with you the joy of ministry. Your prayers ...
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