Death has been outsourced

"Hello, Death dept.? I just died. Where is my escort?"
"Thank you for calling Death tech support. We're currently experiencing some technical difficulties. Please wait for our next available technician."

[bad choir music plays during 59 minute wait]

"Tank choo sur for wetting. How meh aye hep joo?"
"I just died about an hour ago. I thought this sort of thing was supposed to be efficiently handled. I thought I was supposed to be escorted into the afterlife - who's handling this, some government agency in Mexico?"
"Oh no sur, we doo dis hir in India now."
"Oh, fine. Is this going to be worse than Sprint's tech support?"
"ob curse nott. Notting iss dot bat. Now... witch apterlipe plan did you suscripe too?
"We were supposed to choose one? I thought that just... you know... sort of happened. One size fits all."
"Ah. Nondenominachunal."
"Whatever. So what happens now?"
"I im afrait thir will be som technical difficults. We hat sum proplims with marketing lettly."
"Proplims? What kind of proplims?"
"Well - sum itiot hass bin promissink 72 virgins to sooside bompers. Virgins??? In Hell? Virchins are hart to come buy, I im tellink yoo, espetchally in hell."
"I can believe that."
"But the real proplim is that the reincarnachum sopware in India keeps claching with the Apterlife modules. Krichna... Buddha... some Arabian desert moon god... wee gott pipples expecting to bee reporn as cows and we have them poppink out in hell."
"Wow."
"It smells goot, tho. I im not allowed to like steak sizzling, but it duss smell goot."
"Cows in hell. I guess that would smell good."
"Don't tell my soopervisor."
"I won't. So what do I do now?"
"Um... take out da battry and lett joo fone sit por minnit. Den, put it back in."
"But I can't talk to you if I do that! What if it doesn't work?"
"Oh, it won't wurk at all. But by the time you call beck, mebbe we haf promlim fix."
"Oh, my god. Sprint is in charge of Death."
"No, no no. But we doo haff a hole wing in hell named for them. Beddy spetchul place, jess."

[line goes dead]

"Hello? Hello?"