Men, Women and the Dating Minefield

I've seen my lady friends (and lady relatives) make mistake after mistake, and when they're about to make those mistakes, it's too late to talk them out of it. Women are emotional creatures, as are men, and as they say, love is blind. So I have to stand helplessly by as they walk blind into the dating minefield.

So I decided to list some warning flags as I see them. Now, understand that these are not all the warning flags you'll ever see - they're merely the most common ones, and the ones that are more or less easy to recognize when you have your eyes open for them. And they are not necessarily hard rules that if broken will result in tragedy. They are merely conditions that should be interpreted as raising the probability that you're headed into a problematic relationship.


Two or more of your friends have a bad feeling about it. This is probably the most reliable warning flag you will ever get. Here is why. Nobody with any sense of self preservation is going to relish telling you that they don't like your new guy. They know it's dangerous to say anything at all; those of us who have made that mistake will avoid making it again. It's just too likely to damage a good friendship, and the odds are so great that it won't slow you down anyway. So if two of your friends work up the nerve to gently suggest that you might want to be careful, that is a huge warning flag, with a siren to boot. You can safely assume that they see something you missed. Again, this does not mean you should break it off immediately - but it does mean you need to step back and think really hard, and really objectively. You should also consider your experience with your friends: have they displayed wisdom in the past? If so, consider all the more what they say.

You met him on the internet through a dating service or chat room. Now, everyone knows about this one, and if you tell any of your friends "Hey, I met this guy on the internet..." you will immediately see a reaction that should throw cold water on your warm cockles. Sure, some people meet on the 'net and find true happiness. But most don't, and there is a reason that internet dating has such a bad reputation. Let's examine that. Obviously, you don't know anything about the other person except what he tells you. And it is well-known that predators lurk in the world wide web, telling you whatever they think you want to hear. There is no reason for them to tell you any negative information about themselves, and in fact they have a strong incentive to lie to you. But here's the big reason: unlike in real life, you don't get to hear outside opinions about a person because you don't know any mutual friends. There's nobody to give you a warning until you already invest yourself in him emotionally. So sure, you could meet Mr. Right on the 'net, but the sheer odds are against it. Use extreme caution.

He seems to be a wonderful match in the things that are important to you - especially religious faith. Now, this could almost be a subset of the above flag on internet dating, but actually it's relevant to real life dating, too. Here's an example. Suppose you're a devout Christian. You're not going to keep that a secret, are you? You're going to make it clear from the start that that's a deal-breaker. Now, you meet a guy, and he not only agrees with your Christian views, he leads with them. Now, this will seem like an odd thing to say, because of course we want to be compatible in our religious beliefs, but when somebody goes to an unusual amount of trouble to convince us of their sincere Christianity, watch out! Hucksters and predators are notorious for using that way of gaining our trust. The bum looking for a handout to buy wine, the salesman trying to get you to invest in some ripoff scheme, the guy selling Bibles in the film Paper Moon, and of course the guy who wants to date or marry you because you have money, or at least a good income. They do this because it works. Faith is a strong emotional tag, and from the predator's standpoint, has the additional benefit of our desire to believe that God is taking care of us. But be careful not to let this flag weaken your faith in God. God will not let you down - people, however, will often let you down. That is why we were told, in Matthew 10:16 -- "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves."

You've been divorced more than once. If you've had two or more divorces in your life, you have my sympathy. Divorce is hard. It's tough. It's damaging. If you've had three or more, something is wrong. Either you're attracting the wrong kind of person, you're attracted to the wrong kind of person, or you're doing something that's in serious error somewhere in the process. You should err on the side of caution - waaaay on the side of caution. I would recommend paying close attention to any clues you may get from your friends or family. Watch for the above flags, and take them very seriously. Get reliable counseling. And for goodness sakes, insist on a long engagement. Be patient.

He's married... for now. This flag is always reliable. If he is a decent person, he will not show any interest in dating while he is still married, no matter how bad the marriage, no matter what he may say about it. I can almost guarantee this: if you cuddle up with such a person, you will find yourself taking his wife's place in more ways than you ever want to, including his stories about what a horrid woman he's stuck with. Ignore this flag at your peril.

Now one more thing. You may think that love is the most important thing in a marriage or dating relationship. The problem is that none of us can accurately gauge "love" when we're in it. It's so hard to define, and it's so easily confused with physical attraction. But there is a quality that any of us can tell when it's there or when it's not there, whether on our part or somebody else's. That quality is respect, and it becomes quite useful when you understand that you cannot have love without respect. Do you sometimes find yourself feeling a mild contempt for this person? Chances are you don't love him. Do you sometimes find that he fails to respect you? Maybe he doesn't love you.

Be careful. Love is a many splendored thing, but it can also be a many splintered thing.

Male bonding and acceptance ritual

One of the reasons I like to wash dishes is that I can let my mind wander while I scrub and stack.
Today I was remembering a time that I shared in a male bonding ritual. It's not a sacred or secret ritual, or anything like that, but it is one where all the males that participate let each other know in a subtle way that they are accepted in the pack. I'm talking, of course, about the Dirty Joke telling session.
For you ladies, I'll explain how it works. There have to be at least four males, but optimally about six or seven. They sit around a table or circle of chairs, drinking beverages, and they take turns telling dirty jokes. But not just any dirty joke is acceptable. They must be jokes that everybody at the table is likely to have heard a number of times. The idea is that as each joke is told, all the other men nod and pretend that they've never heard the joke before. A chuckle is considered very good form after each joke, and that is actually the device that expresses acceptance to the teller of the joke. Now, it's important to be present when the ritual begins, because if you join once it's under way, you run the risk of telling a joke that someone has just told. If you do, nobody can reasonably pretend to not have heard the joke, so you see the problem. Of course, it's your own risk, so nobody is going to object to having you join, but every man knows he is taking a chance, especially if the ritual has been well under way for some time.
So one day I found myself at a party - it was at A.S.'s house - and I was sitting at a table with H., C., J., and a couple of others I can't recall at the moment. And it started.
Now, I don't remember who actually told the first joke, but as the second joke began, I realized that I was in the middle of this moment, and therefore I was accepted in the tribe. I took note of the joke currently being told so I wouldn't repeat it, and began rummaging through my mind's knapsack of dirty jokes. Hmmm, there was a nice bundle of farmer's daughter jokes, but I decided to set them aside for later, in case somebody began running a string of those. Once somebody tells a farmer's daughter joke, it's mandatory that each participant tell one in turn. And the new guy should never tell the first one.
And J. began telling a joke. Now, I was not surprised that she would be accepted as an honorary guy, because she's one of those exceptional women who are feminine enough to be fun to look at, but earthy enough to be included in guy things. But now I had to be careful. I had to make sure the jokes were old enough that everyone had heard them, but not so old that dust flew off them when told. Wait - she was telling the one about the space alien that lands at the gas station and threatens the gas pump! Excellent choice - only about twenty years old, and it has a classic phallus metaphor, which has a nice punch coming from the female of the group. J. is good, you have to admit that.
Now C. makes his move. He starts with good form, wearing a dirty joke grin and a subtle sneer, but something is wrong. Oh, no, it's a new joke! Nobody has heard this one, and it gets a good laugh all around. At least it's funny - maybe he can get by with it. Or, it's possible that everyone has heard it but me. I am from another county, after all. But no - C. explains that his sister told it to him. That's a serious faux pas, admitting not only that it was a new joke, but that it was told to him by a female. There is a moment of awkward silence, as we consider what to do about it. H. saves the day. He ignores the mistake and plows right into the next joke. Everyone relaxes. And H., to my delight, is telling a farmer's daughter joke! I have mine ready, and tell it next. And C. makes up for his earlier error by following suit with a very good joke about a farmer's daughter that lives just down the road. It's a fairly young joke, but it's been aged just enough to be appropriate.
Now it's time to take it to the next level. I tell a joke in first person - you know, as if it really had happened to me. H. is on the ball, and follows suit with one of his own, told in first person. J. does the same, and it's almost like passing the ritual pipe on the midwestern plains as the sun sets.
And A. comes out to join us.
We all sit up a little straighter. Will he sit quietly, or will he risk it by telling a joke? It can be done, and I have done it, but you really want to have a joke that isn't likely to have been told yet. Something obscure, and forgettable. But no matter what you do, it's risky. It takes serious guts.
He begins his joke. And we all gasp in surprise. He's telling the same joke C. told earlier! There is no way we can pretend not to have heard it! Well, there is nothing to do for it - we have no choice but to laugh at him in total unrelenting scorn, and we must do it before he reaches the punch line. Poor A. He withers in humiliation.
Fortunately, the party is at his house, so according to the rules, he gets another chance to tell a joke and save himself, even if he is wearing nipple rings. And so he does, and we all laugh, and welcome him to the table.
By now, the ritual is over and has served its purpose, and so we down the last of our drinks, and begin shuffling politely to the door. I feel accepted and part of the group, and I go home knowing I am blessed to be part of this small west Texas family of theatre boys who never grew up and never will.


(The preceding is a work of fiction, based loosely on an actual event.)