What I wish other drivers knew

You've heard about the TFM's. This isn't about them.

This is about your standard, government issue morons (GIM's). This is about the things they used to teach us back in high school drivers education, when you had to take a drivers test with a DPS officer in the seat beside you. Back when there was pressure. Back when they made sure you understood some basic concepts, even if you were going to forget them soon, in the excitement of having wheels to ride around town in, looking cool in your five year old Chevy.

This blog was inspired the other day by a few GIMs on Highway 6 in Fort Bend county. Maybe a couple of them on highway 288, Brazoria county. It doesn't matter - the point is that GA and I saw other drivers doing things that were dangerous and yet didn't really gain them any appreciable advantage, and it got me thinking about... why. And I realized this could be a public service. Why, if only three drivers see something they've been doing, and stop doing it, the world will be a better place.

So here are some things I wish other drivers would not do, in no particular order.

Weaving in Traffic.  The most commonly enforced law is "speeding." That's not because it's the most dangerous thing you can do (unless you're doing 120 mph or something). It's what you have to do that allows you to speed, that's so dangerous. Sure, it's the easiest ticket to give out, so it's a great source of revenue, but let's face it: if the highway is nearly empty, and the curves are banked, and your tires are good, you can roar along at 80 mph and usually get by with it. (Of course, I never do). But often the highway you're using has lots of other people on it, so that to go 80 mph in a 65 zone, you have to weave in and out of the traffic. And every time you change lanes, you're risking a collision because you didn't quite clear the car in the other lane, or maybe the other guy is in your blind spot. And no matter how careful he is, sometimes he can just decide to change lanes at the same moment you do. More importantly, when you weave, you are passing people on the right - which is dangerous in itself.

Passing on the Right. When you do this, you necessarily put yourself in the blind spot of the car you're passing. There is a moment when you are completely invisible to him. Suppose he decides to pull over on the shoulder. Or change lanes. He is perfectly within his rights to do so, and if he cannot see you in the instant he decides to do that, there will be an accident. And it will be your fault.

Tailgating. Oh, most drivers know this is a dangerous thing to do, but there is the occasional driver (usually female - sorry, girls) who doesn't understand the Law of Inertia. That law states that a body in motion tends to stay in motion, and a body at rest tends to stay at rest. More to the point, if your car is moving at 70 mph, it will tend to keep moving at 70 mph, and will fight your brakes to do that. If the car in front of you encounters any problem and has to even slow down, you could be in trouble. You are putting both of you in danger, because now he cannot safely slow down or stop should the need arise - he is now quite uncomfortable, because he knows that if something does go wrong, anything at all, he is going to have to make a split second decision whether to be hit from behind or avoid the problem in front. Be assured that he is not smiling upon you as you ride on his bumper. He is rather saying very rude things about you and possibly your mother.

Back in Drivers Ed they told you to put a car length between you and the car in front of you for every 10 mph you're moving, for exactly this reason. The theory is that if you're going 70 mph, it will take you 7 car lengths to be able to slow down your car enough to avoid a serious accident, after allowing for your reaction time and the time it takes your brakes to overcome the inertia of the car using the friction of the brake pads and the friction of your tires on the pavement. In practice, nobody does that, but to put it so that anyone can understand it, if your car is 3 feet behind the other one, and he has to slam on his brakes, you will hit him before you can even move your foot to the brake pedal. And inertia doesn't just apply to your car, though it sort of feels that way to your perception - you, too, are moving at 70 mph, and when your car suddenly slows to zero because of the crushing impact, your body is still traveling. It will only slow when it encounters your seat belt at that same 70 mph! It will hurt. If you have your arms braced on your steering wheel, which is likely, they may be broken.
I used to have a diesel rabbit back in the day. When somebody tailgated me, I pushed the pedal all the way down, because then my car spewed a cloud of black smoke on the moron behind me. Very satisfying.

Failing to slow down on a gravel road. Here's a news flash. When you see a sign that says "Slow down to prevent damage to windshields," they don't mean to prevent damage to your windshield. They're talking about the other cars, which are being pelted with the rocks your car is throwing if you go more than 20 mph on a gravel road. When you are driving on a newly graveled road, SLOW DOWN!





Dinging the other car in a parking lot. When you open your door in a parking lot, please don't just fling the door open as if there is nothing else in its arc. Open it slowly, and be mindful of the possibility of making a dent in somebody's door. It really isn't that much trouble.


Leaving your shopping cart right where it is. Come on, people. Just look around and see the places they've reserved for the carts. Nobody is asking you to roll it all the way back to the store, but I see people leaving a cart right on the line so that two spaces are blocked, when there is a return aisle less than ten steps away. This is especially bad here in the Houston area. OK, if you have a baby in the car seat, you don't want to leave him to push the cart very far from the car, and we all understand that. But ten paces? Come on.

Texting while driving. People, this is an insane thing to do. It is impossible to focus on the traffic around you, or stay in your lane, or maintain a consistent speed, or be aware of hazards - in short, to drive safely - if your attention is on the next letter your thumb needs to press so you can send your "LOL C U @ lunch" text. Do NOT do this. If you do, you deserve the accident you are going to have, and I hereby declare you to be a certified moron.

Stopping past the white line at an intersection. Back in the day, my driving instructor called this "running over a pedestrian." Sure, you don't actually run over a pedestrian when you stop over the white line, we hope, but what you are doing is parking your car on the crosswalk so that pedestrians have to step out into traffic to cross the road. You gain nothing by pulling your car into that area at a red light, unless you're in the right lane hoping to make a free right turn. Which brings me to the one thing that makes me want to get out of the car and knock on a car window...


Pulling up to be even with the car in the other lane for no @#%&^!! reason. OK, I'm planning to turn right after stopping at the red light. I stop at the white line. The other car does, too. I look both ways, and there are no pedestrians approaching. So I pull up to the second white line to see if it is clear on the left. When I do... the car to my left pulls up, too, though he cannot go until the light turns green. I sigh in frustration, and pull up a little more to see around him (he will usually be in a huge SUV). He pulls up to match me. Now I can pull up no further, and I cannot see if it's clear to go. So I have to sit there and wait for the green light, all because this moron in a huge gas guzzling SUV with three "My Kid is an Honor Student" bumper stickers is... yup, talking on his cell phone and letting his subconscious do the driving.

 So think about it. Do you do any of these things? Are you a danger to yourself and to others? Please drive safely, because I love you and want you to be able to come to my funeral when I die of old age.

Houston, we have a - what was that, anyway?

I suppose there are an infinite number of ways to compare cities. One common way is by crime statistics. Houston has an exceptionally high crime rate, higher even than Wichita Falls. Midland has a relatively low rate, and Missouri City (where my mail is processed) has an even lower one.

Another, more useful comparison would be the percentage of TFM's encountered on the streets and highways. Oh, you aren't familiar with that acronym? Let's bring you up to speed. A TFM is a Total Freaking Moron, but you can adjust the acronym as you please. It could also stand for Terribly Foolish Moron, but the point is that these drivers are morons, and not just normal standard-issue morons.

A standard-issue moron is a person who tailgates, speeds, and generally takes risks that don't need to be taken. He drives aggressively, he uses a cell phone without bothering to compensate for the distraction, he believes that he is a good driver when he isn't a good driver by any stretch of the imagination. These people are everywhere, and the percentage from city to city doesn't really vary enough to be statistically relevant. You see them all the time, on virtually every drive home from work. They irritate you, they make you a little more defensive as you continue your drive.

But a TFM is an amazing creature to behold. One sees them in action and one either utters an expletive involuntarily, or one prays for divine protection and truly means it. While the normal moron will change lanes suddenly and without warning, nearly taking your bumper with him, the TFM will do it in an 18-wheeler. While the normal moron will make a left turn from the right lane, forcing you to slam on your brakes, the TFM will make the same turn across four lanes of busy traffic, causing a multi-car pile up. While a normal moron will weave in and out of busy lanes of thick traffic to gain perhaps an extra car length or two, the TFM will do it at 90 mph, and his weaving will involve six lanes of traffic at once, just before darting to make his exit on the opposite side of the freeway. That's a TFM.

He is incapable, I suppose, of assessing risk - the odds of a given action resulting in unwanted consequences as opposed to the goal or reward, the degree of that unwanted consequence, and the size or quality of the reward - all at the same time. He only gets as far as "if I can get from point A to point B faster, I won't have to wait as long." He rarely considers "if I kill myself on the way, I won't even get to point B." He never considers "the minor goal of getting to point B two minutes sooner isn't remotely worth the high risk of severe pain or death involved."

I estimate the TFM percentage in Wichita Falls to be about 4%, based on living in Wichita county most of my life. For Midland, maybe 2% at the most. Sugar Land or Missouri City would be about 6%, with the worst coming out at rush hour and going dormant the rest of the time. But Houston.... I would put the score at no less than 10%. If you aren't used to Houston traffic, you cannot possibly drive more than thirty minutes without your jaw dropping to your lap in amazement at least once. You cannot remain indifferent when you have seen a motorcycle on the service road, his crying, tormented little engine audible from high on the expressway, racing at 100 mph, down there precisely because there are fewer cars in the way, which means that he won't have to weave through them quite so much. Is he wearing a helmet? I'll let you guess.

Even on a short drive, you will typically see about three cars each minute blow by you at 30 mph over the prevailing speed (never mind the speed limit). You get used to it pretty quickly, and you figure out that to deal with it, you simply stay in your lane and ignore them. You assume that if you don't do anything unexpected, they will likely miss you, much as the bats do if you get caught in a cave at sundown when they awaken. And, on the bright side, TFM's don't pee on you as they pass. Well, they haven't so far, at least.

Now, the one good thing about having such a high TFM score is that the other 90% learn to be very good drivers - careful and logical. They learn the importance of driving close to the prevailing speed, regardless of the posted limit. If the limit is 60, but the traffic is moving steadily at 50, we all go 50. If it's going 65, we all go 65, because driving at a speed that's too different, whether slower or faster, is more dangerous than merely speeding is by itself. People try to keep a distance between them and the car ahead if possible (not the distance recommended back in driver's ed - that's not possible in Houston), and though there is a tendency to push the amber lights and thus run the reds, they generally don't floor the accelerator to do this when the car in front has applied his brakes to stop at the light. The TFM's, of course, do this all the time, and then slam on the brakes, coming to rest sideways just inches behind the next car - if all goes well, that is. (Oh, yes, they do. When I see this about to happen, I move to the rightmost edge of my lane to increase the chances of being missed by the tire-screaming missile to my left).

A friend of mine who used to live here said to me the other day, "Do you know what most parents in Houston give their kids for their first car?" The answer: a Piñata.