Time machine malfunction

My time machine is messing up... again.

I've oiled and calibrated the flux capacitor three times now, and still it messes up. I wanted to go visit the dinosaurs and get some nice photos, maybe some video, but things keep going wrong.

I set it for the usual 65 million years ago, because that's when they were supposed to start disappearing, give or take a couple of million years - and you know they've got it pinned down to a couple of million years, being the obsessed sticklers for accuracy that they are.

But I showed up in 1956, which happens to be the year I first became fascinated with dinosaurs. Here is the first illustration I saw, in our home encyclopedia, which my parents probably bought from a slick salesman with a thin mustache:








These days, scientists are pretty sure the T Rex didn't stand like that. Here is what they really look like as far as posture. It allows the rex to balance nicely on those huge back legs without getting his tail dirty:



So they're getting closer. But as I said, my time machine keeps messing up. In the last month, I have arrived in Imperial Rome wearing a 1979 leisure suit, I have appeared in some Mayan village wearing something more appropriate to a Rocky Horror Picture Show debut, and I walked into Woodstock in 1969 wearing a business suit.

So when I arrived in 65 million BC, finally, my viking costume was probably close enough to fool the cavemen, as suspicious as they might be. I probably should have tried to look a bit more intimidating, as they might have been less likely to take my camera and use it as a hammer, and I might have come back with a more decent photograph of our friend the T Rex.

I can describe it, though. The second picture above is about right as far as posture and shape, but the color is wrong. The T Rex was jet black with red stripes, running his length and widening for his body, then narrowing again at the tail.

The movies have them all ferocious and scary and aggressive, but they're actually amazingly shy and easily intimidated. They don't fight at all - they're giant, effective scavengers, probably the ancestors to the modern day vulture.

When they feed, they pivot nicely on those huge hips, and the tiny forearms hold the corpse still while the huge jaws and teeth crush the bones and rip out chunks of flesh. The bones and flesh are chewed in mighty gulps, and the Rexes do this in teams of four or five. The locals leave them to their work, because they are doing an important job, environmentally speaking, and because they stink to high heaven, and you would not, repeat not, want to barbecue one of them.

And they don't roar - they have a loud, nasty hiss when they jostle each other for best dinner position, or if they feel threatened.

So no pictures, because I have no intention of having another of my cameras used for grinding corn.

I still love to watch Jurassic Park, accurate or not.