vacation in Vegas, and I'm no Vegan

So GA and I went to Las Vegas for our 25th anniversary. No, that isn't really until the 18th, but on the 18th we're going to be busy trying to get moved into our new home in Houston. In fact, we had planned to take a romantic trip to Hawaii, to see the island that Jurassic Park was filmed on, but we canceled that and instead took a week in the home of organized crime, gambling, topless revues, great overpriced food, and the most shameless waste of electricity in north America.

We stayed in a time share hotel owned by the Hilton folks, located just north of Circus Circus, which is to the rest of the casinos as Odessa is to Midland. We spent some time in Circus Circus simply because of its proximity, and because it's just so irresistibly charming - even if we did have too many teeth to really fit in. The bartender was rude, but I'm pretty sure he didn't spit into the drinks. They have cheap circus acts at intervals throughout the day, mostly high wire and trapeze acts imported from former "Republics" of the Soviet Union. It's free, so the only price is that you have to get your seat early to beat the rush of 23-child families swarming over the creaking bleachers. The best attraction that Circus Circus offers, though, is its indoor amusement park, complete with roller coaster - I think it was called the Canyon Blaster. I don't know if it sets any records for speed, but I can tell you that it's a very short ride, maybe a minute at the most... but it doesn't waste any time picking up speed. After the climb, that thing is double looping and slamming your head against the padding constantly until you screech to a halt and stumble out of the cars to make room for the next victims. It runs fast, and I do mean fast. Yes, we rode it twice.

We took in several shows. We saw "O," which is the water-themed Cirque show. It has all the wonderful acrobatics and grace you expect from those people, plus the amazing fact that they make their entrances underwater. Imagine being in a show where they call "places!" and you draw a deep breath before you wait for your cue.

GA let us go see Jubilee, which is the topless revue. Yes, blog friends, I finally saw my first topless show. And there were the most fabulous costumes, the most spectacular sets, and the most beautiful bre-- er, women you can imagine on that stage. Men, too, though I am sure most or all of them were gay - GA didn't care, they looked great. Yes, they were topless too. Now, I emphasize that we were there for the sake of performance art, and not to see the exposed nipples and skin. That would be so cheap and disgusting, to stare at those soft lovely curves and drool or something. I would never do that. Besides, it was tastefully done.

We even took in a stand-up comedy show. You know, I was afraid I might be a smiler, but all three comedians had me laughing out loud. And the comedy show was actually a freebie, as it turned out. We were in this casino, the Riviera, on the last day, and we figured we'd go find out what our points were worth. I asked what the "Mad Money dollars" were for first, because that kept showing up on the slot display, and the young lady gave me an answer that made no real sense at all. But she told us that we had enough points for a free buffet, a comedy show, and 10% off the second admission on the show. We went for it, of course.

When we got the tickets to the show, we realized that my ticket said "$10 off" instead of "10% off" - and indeed, the price was reduced by a full ten bucks. Well, who am I to complain? We enjoyed the show. Later, we found out that we didn't have nearly enough points for either a buffet or a show, and that Mad Money dollars was part of a promotion for November, and nothing at all what the young lady had told us. Apparently, you can sometimes come out ahead because of problems with English.

As for the slots: we came out roughly even. Most of the time our money slowly drained into the machines, as is normal. But there were several unexpected payoffs which were completely against the odds. The most spectacular was this time - in the Riviera, of course - when we were about to leave to go back to our room, but we had this credit slip worth a few dollars, and we couldn't find a redemption machine nearby. So we picked out a machine called "Valhalla" and fed the slip into it, and pressed 20 lines, one bet per line (20c per spin, in other words). We immediately hit a Bonus, which is something you want to see when playing the slots. The bonus in this case was 15 free spins. And one of the first of those spins hit yet another bonus, so 15 more spins was added to the queue. Before much longer, yet another bonus popped up. We kept sitting there, watching the credits add up, and when it was all over, our 20c spin had turned into $35 and some change! We hit the "collect winnings" button and hiked to the nearest redemption machine.

Another machine, my favorite, was the Reels o' Dublin, which is a spiffy little model that lets you play normal slot action, or you can press the red Hot Hot Penny button and play 30c a spin rather than 20c, and in return you can get extra action in the event of two bonus symbols appearing. In this case, the other three reels get respun, and if you get a third bonus, it goes nuts and starts playing a little Irish jig while you enjoy 15 free spins with double payoff. I usually lost my money in that one, but one time my $20 investment turned into $80 - which, of course I promptly lost again, which is how gambling usually works, and why the Native Americans build casinos when they can.

Now... you're probably wondering if I took advantage of the fact that prostitution is legal in Nevada. Of course I did. And I only charged the going rate.

OK, that last was a joke. But if you like the idea, call BR-549, and have your credit card ready.